Too Damned Many

As usual I’ve been reading my favorite blogs and they’ve struck home with me this week. You see, when I started writing here at The Den it was simply a place where I could go and speak freely and anonymously about the world as I see it.

I never would have believed that the-world-as-I-see-it would inspire so much hatred and fear but it did. I remember when I first started getting comments; I was excited that someone out there was hearing me. But the first thing I noted was that yes, they were hearing me, but they fucking hated what I was saying. I’m not sure why, but I kept writing, often I look back and wonder why I kept going. Hell, I often look around me and wonder why I’m still writing.

*sigh*, my thoughts are becoming muddled and I’ve lost my direction. Let me try this again.

This week we’ve lost yet another blogger, one more voice silenced in a string of courageous women who have gone before her. When I read the news I shook my head sadly and fought the wave of emotion that swept over me. Sadness and despair took me for a moment. In the short time I’ve been doing this I’ve watched as woman after woman has taken a big breath and decided to start blogs. The circle of radical feminist bloggers is too small, so very, very small, but their spirit and their fight is big. They start blogs, one small voice that has decided to speak out, and then it begins. The trolls invade, the ‘pro-sex’ bloggers take notice, hell sometimes even other radicals argue with them. The point is that oftentimes they will just sort of disappear one day.

I’ve watched them come and go, I’ve watched radical voices crumple and disappear and I feel angry and I feel sad and I feel despair and all of these things I feel at the same time. I’ve come close several times to walking away from this project and goddess knows how many times I’ve read yet another article and shook my head in anguish at the unfairness of it all. So when I read that we’ve lost another voice it hits me like a personal H-bomb exploding in all of its dismal glory and it occurs to me as I shake my head sadly while holding back tears of rage that I will have to update my blogroll once more.

When I began doing this I never could have believed just how big this blog would become. I never would have believed just how many words of support I would have gotten but there’s another side to it as well, a side that radical bloggers everywhere experience. There is the sting of hate from both women and men and gods, don’t ever underestimate that sting.

I don’t know, perhaps it’s just me, maybe I’m speaking in generalities when I have no proof of anything but I think it happens to all of us, or most of us, or a large portion of us. We start blogging, wanting a ‘safe’ space where we can speak. I think in the beginning we all hope to have positive comments directed our way. We all hope that people will show up and say, “Hey! That’s exactly it!” I think we are also looking for confirmation that we’re on the right track, that we’re not freaks, that there are others who believe like we do.

Soon though the trolls come, I think that all blogs are found first by the trolls. I’ve sometimes posited that they have Nextel radios that they communicate with and when a new radical blog opens they call in to each other and report it. Regardless, the trolls seem to be able to sniff out a radical site quicker than fleas can sniff out a new puppy.

The trolls come and we realize that we are being condemned and hated. And then the other radicals show up and I think that we feel relief at first. We finally feel as though we’re not alone. Our blogrolls widen and we march on, the trolls don’t sting quite as badly because we have a circle of supporters and we go to each others blogs and we fight the trolls and we feel like we’re not alone.

Somewhere though, something shifts, perhaps it happens one day when we’re looking at yet another story of a woman being beaten and raped and left for dead in a dumpster, maybe it happens when we decide to stop shaving and we are rebuffed harshly in public and in private. Perhaps some ‘pro-sex’ blog finds us and begins to obsess over us, posting every day about what a big piece of shit we are, or maybe we pick up our first cyber stalker, the impetus changes but I think the effect is the same.

Suddenly that blogroll seems too small and abruptly it’s as if we are transported into a satellite view and we see that all around us there is this vile misogyny and hatred. We find that our co-workers, friends and family refer to us as ‘man haters’ we find that we are but one small person standing on a beach and scooping teaspoons of water out of the ocean one at a time. We look at the vastness of the ocean and it occurs to us:

We will die in the same world that we were born into.

All of our fighting and screaming, all of our defending and begging and frustration, all of our anger and sadness will die, impotent and ineffective for we are battling an army, the likes of which we never could have comprehended. We are, for all intents and purposes, trying to empty oceans with teaspoons.

And then we get it, we’re not fighting because we have any hope of any real change in our lifetimes. Hell, we’re not even fighting because we have any hope of change in our grandchildren’s lifetimes; many of us have given up hope at all and are certain that the situation will never really change. So why are we fighting? We’re fighting because what else can we do?

I know for me there was a moment when my bright eyed optimism failed and I saw the truth of what I’m doing in the harsh light of cynical despair. In the beginning I had hoped for real social change, I had hoped that speaking out; writing about it, trying to raise consciousness would beat back the tsunami that women live with.

I had hoped that a few well crafted posts about “What women have to do to ‘prevent’ rape” outlining how we walk to our cars with keys clutched between our fingers or how we forgo hiking and camping alone or how we always wonder whether or not our new boyfriend really would have stopped the other night after he nagged us for three hours to have sex with him.

I naively assumed that all it would take is to just let people know what was happening. I assumed that it was a matter of speaking out, of letting people hear it.

I didn’t understand how very far off base I really was. I didn’t account for, nor understand, the depths to which misogyny had been embedded in the very fabric of our lives. In short, I didn’t realize that I was trying to do the impossible. I looked at that ocean and thought it to be a lake and I looked around me and saw the other voices on my blogroll and assumed that the entire shore was dotted with them. I didn’t realize that there were only a handful of us and that the lake was an ocean and that the twenty or thirty of us were trying to do something that was impossible.

Gods, when that hit me I was devastated. I vividly remember sobbing huge tears in the shower, collapsing on the floor while the hot water ran in rivulets over my skin. I remember crying until there were no more tears to cry and my skin was pruney and wrinkled from the water. I remember looking down at my hands and understanding, fully and completely that this would be a battle that I would fight until I was old, until my hands really did look like the water soaked hands I was looking at now.

I realized that I would be fighting this battle until I died, an old woman with pruney hands, and I would hand my spoon over to the next young, naive woman and let her continue to try and empty an ocean.

There are days when I understand that this battle will not be won in my lifetime, and the sadness that envelopes me is too much to bear.

I will never walk free down the street, unafraid, unconcerned, as a human being walking amid other human beings.

I will never walk to my car without that niggling fear that we feel, without shifting my bags in my hand or wondering if my bag would be heavy enough to act as an effective weapon.

I will never feel confident enough to camp alone in the woods, unafraid and unconcerned.

I will never experience a day when I can fish at 2:00 am and when a man approaches me I can smile at him with no fear or misgivings in my heart and say, “Hi! How are you doing tonight?”

I will never experience a time when I can, without fear, without reservation, bring a man to my house and not have it even cross my mind that he would rape me.

These are only a scant few things that I will never experience. Other women have more of them, different than mine perhaps, but regardless for me there came a time when I understood completely that I will not change the world. That this world doesn’t wish to change and indeed, that it will actively resist any and all attempts I make to the contrary. No amount of anger, begging, sobbing or pleading will change it for me. It’s too entrenched. It will not happen in my lifetime.

When that realization hit me I was in a pool of despair, sobbing upon my shower floor and then sobbing some more until I was so dehydrated that crying anymore was not physically possible. When I got out of the shower Dubhe was worried and concerned and he said to me, “Oh BB, what you are doing is important” and he said it the way that a man, who has never felt the raw heart stabbing pain in their gut when they read of another woman who has been brutalized at the hands of men, says such things.

Despite his intentions his surety came from that place that men can afford to inhabit. After all, it was very easy for him to tell me to go on when he didn’t, and never would, feel the gut wrenching pain of reading that a woman was dragged to death by her abusive boyfriend, leaving a blood trail a mile long and that the residents were primarily concerned with the removal of the bloodstain.

He would never feel the raw fear, the edge that is felt when we find ourselves face to face with a stranger in the park. He would never feel the rumbling in the guts when your boyfriend gets mad in front of you for the first time and you become painfully aware of each and every single woman you’ve known who has been beaten, raped, groped, assaulted, slapped, hit, abused, fondled, ogled, catcalled, bullied and scared by men.

Of course he could easily tell me to keep going. Of course he could tell me to keep writing. Of course he could have hope when he didn’t feel each and every violation upon his own body. When he wasn’t forced to relive his own attacks each and every single time he wrote. Of course he could be courageous when it wasn’t his people who were being systematically enslaved, degraded, dehumanized, bred to death, outcast, mutilated and murdered.

But I couldn’t be so optimistic. When the death threats start coming and the rape threats start coming and yet another man writes you an email telling you that, “If I ever find out who you are I’ll fucking rape you to death you stupid cunt”,

When even other women wage a war on you, talking about you, screaming about how awful and stupid you are,

When perfect strangers feel entitled to create images of you being raped by animals,

When men feel entitled to stalk you and harass you for the crime of speaking,

When your mother tells you that you’re a ‘man hater’ while simultaneously believing and approving of everything you write,

When men use your story of abuse, rape and degradation as pornography and then write to you telling you that they orgasmed when you described your rape at the hands of men,

When friends, family and coworkers turn from you,

When your children tell you you’re ‘gross’ because you stopped shaving your armpits,

When people set up blogs designed for the sole purpose of telling everyone what an evil person you are,

When you see the influx of trolls coming and telling you that you’re stupid and worthless and crazy,

When you see the search terms that men are using, “Raped sluts”, “Beaten and raped whores”, “Bleeding ass fuck”,

You start to feel not so optimistic.

So, when I find out that we’ve lost another voice I sob silent tears that nobody will ever see but me. But what can I do? I feel torn. I sure as hell can’t tell them to stand back up and fight for a war that we will never win, or at least, one that we will never win in our own lifetimes. I’ve seen too much shit to believe that anymore. What do I do? When we’re fighting a battle we will never win? When society views us with generalized scorn and hatred? When our emotions, feelings, experiences are wiped away with a dismissive wave accompanied by the old refrain, “Well you’ve been abused but you have no right to be wary of all men”, or better yet, “You should let go of your anger, I know plenty of women who have been abused and they’re not angry”. When all of it can be dismissed with a wave of the hand and a pat on the head from some asshole man or some sex-pos woman then we realize that we’re fighting for the sake of fighting.

I cannot look any woman in the eye who has chosen to lay down and stop fighting and tell her to stand back up again. I cannot condemn them for they have reached that moment when they realize that they will be fighting their entire lives, sobbing all the time, begging men to stop, explaining themselves over and over again and they will never understand why they are so hated and maligned, until they die without the freedom of ever having lived without fear.

And when they express this notion they are greeted with such things as, “Well, men have to be afraid too!” or, “You know, you risk your life driving to the store in your car” and so on and so forth until they’ve explained it a dozens of times and they’ve heard analogies comparing rape to getting the flu or being in a car accident.

 

These are women who have come to understand that our own lifetimes are but drops in the bucket for we are fighting against ideologies that are thousands of years strong. Thousands of years of embedded ownership, oppression and humiliation, an entire society built upon the degradation of females in any and every way possible.

The news that schoolgirls were systematically separated from boys and murdered is not a point of interest. Men, on this very blog, continue to deny that women are even raped. In the face of statistics, studies and so forth they wave it away with a shake of their entitled hands and in so doing they ensure that their undeserved privilege will remain intact.

Some of us, myself included, moderate comments on our blogs to keep out the most vile and hateful filth that would be inflicted upon the women who post with us. But make no mistake, we still see those comments, and we still see the trackbacks and we still see the filth that is spoken of us. And after awhile we grow tired, as so many bloggers before me have done and they decide to lie down and be done with the whole nasty business.

Sometimes they just stop posting, I those ones on my blogroll as long as I can, always hoping and praying that they will come back, but unable to bring myself to beg them to stand with me once more. I will not beg them to subject themselves to the same vile hatred that so many of us experience.

How can I, a woman who feels the despair daily, a woman who has heard the same stuff that is directed at them, a woman who is certain that the screaming and begging and yelling will never bring about real change in my lifetime, ask another woman to stand in the face of it? How can I ask another woman to willing take the abuse that will invariably be meted out to her when I know, only too well, how awful that abuse is?

Just today I received yet another threat against my person in my inbox, another man who hates me and feels that he is entitled to write to me and threaten me with bodily harm. I am reminded sometimes of that scene from The Return of the King, when the forces of Gondor are amassed at the black gates and they’re calling Sauron out. At one point the camera pans up and we see Gondor’s forces standing in the middle of a huge wave of opposing forces. We know, as do the characters, that they have no way of winning, there is no hope.

How can I tell a woman to go into that battle knowing that there is no hope of victory?

In real life there is never a ring of power which will balance the scales. There is never a small hero who emerges to overcome the awesome forces of the opposite side. Indeed, in real life there is a certain failure that radical bloggers learn to deal with, there is knowledge that the oppression and degradation of women will not be overcome in our lifetimes.

So yes, I am deeply troubled when we lose another important voice, it cuts through all of the false bravado, all of the courageous words, and it reminds me that there are real, live women out there who are speaking this truth and dealing with a very real, systematic hatred and wave of violence for nothing more than speaking their minds. Do not be fooled by our tough words and our almost mocking tones, I think it’s safe to say that all of us are affected by the violence. We deal with it differently, but that doesn’t mean that the affect is any less real.

There are times when I am enveloped with a hopelessness so vast and so large that I hope for an apocalypse and no, that’s not an exaggeration. I have often heard bloggers stating that they must take time off, they must have a hiatus from all of it. Gods, I understand that feeling all too well, there are days when you read another story and everything just sort of leaks out of you. Days come when you don’t think you can bear to live another day in this world, when you wonder and daydream of a world where women are safe, where children aren’t prey and where men aren’t monsters.

On those days, when you read another article or see another story or look at another study or statistic you feel your heart sink and you realize that you are completely, 100% stuck. And no matter how loudly you scream, no matter how angry you get, that tomorrow another woman will have experienced the life altering event of rape and that your voice will do little to stop that ocean from consuming yet another of your sisters and it feels as if you simply cannot go on.

You feel as if your voice, your anger, your experiences, thoughts and emotions are impotent and useless. There is no escape from this world save death, no escape from the worry and the fear that men will never experience. There is no way out, no magic portal that we can escape through; we are well and truly stuck.

In those moments everything seems to close around me and my breath sticks in my chest and I need to hide. I need to walk away, to lay down for awhile and hand my spoon to my sister who will not condemn me for my exhaustion. And I shut down the computer and I don’t look at my email and I stop looking at comments and I just hide and pretend that today no woman will be raped. And I spend a day imagining a day in which a woman isn’t killed for the crime of being raped, and I imagine a day in which no woman has to submit to having a man scream “Nice ASS!” to her as she is walking down the street and I imagine that perhaps today is the day where no woman is beaten by her husband.

And then I think to myself, “BB, maybe today is the day that you should pack up your stuff and just go camping for the weekend?” and then I remember that I’m a woman, and to go camping alone and unprotected by a male is fraught with fear and difficulty.

And then I realize that saying such a thing aloud will most likely bring more condemnation my way and I realize that as I’m pondering these things a woman is being beaten so I go to my garden and I understand that as I’m pulling a weed out that a woman is being raped somewhere just because she is female. And so I come into the house and I turn on the radio and I understand that somewhere a woman is being enslaved for the purposes of being used sexually by men and that people would support this practice instead of condemn it. So I decide to turn on the TV and I watch as another pretty white woman is paraded across my television screen as another victim of rape, but of course I understand that I will never see the face of a black woman or a fat woman because they still don’t count as human beings.

And so it goes until I can take no more of it and my anger grows larger than my exhaustion and I pick up the laptop and find myself writing once more.

I’m sorry that this post seems so full of despair and so full of sadness and defeatism. I’m sorry that this isn’t a happy, jolly, optimistic post that promises everyone that if we only keep fighting we can make it stop. I apologize that I have succumbed to my own anger and sadness and despair and spread it onto my blog, the one place I have always tried to show a strong front, but right now I don’t feel very strong. Right now I feel anger but it is a useless anger for the 2000 people who will read this today are but a small drop of water in an endless sea, even with 20,000 or 200,000 thousand or 2 million or even 2 billion we are ineffective because right now, as I am typing this, there are 6,662,822,662 billion people on this earth, and now, …663, 754, 766, and so on. Every second I type the population soars and it continues to do so, it continues to rise; now there are 6,662,822,870, in the scant 30 seconds it took me to type this it has jumped again.

Even if 2 BILLION people agreed with me and fought with me and were busy spooning out this ocean out with their teaspoons we would still be woefully unequipped.

It is in these moments that I feel the most despair, when I think of the bloggers we have lost. When I look at my blogroll and see that there are those who haven’t updated in months and I think, My gods, this will never change.

But for some reason I am compelled to stand once more, as I hear the voices of my sisters screaming and begging and I know their fears and I feel their sobs and I am wrenched from my daydreams of equality and peace and a world in which we’re allowed to live in peace, unfettered and unafraid of the violence of men. I am pulled back to my feet and I continue to write and to speak and to delete the hate mail, rape threats and insulting comments from my screen even as I understand that I cannot delete them from my mind.
This is why bloggers quit. This is why brilliant voices are silenced. This is what happens when we stand back and look at the bigger picture and despair enters our hearts and we look to our sisters with tears in our eyes and say, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it anymore” and other women will hug those of us who simply can’t continue and we’ll embrace them either physically or spiritually in our writings and we’ll say, “It’s ok my friend. I understand and I’ll take your spoon for you”. And we do this with tears in our eyes and we wonder if perhaps we would be better off if we left with them, if we laid down on the beach and just let the ocean take us as well.

And some of us are able to see the ocean and we feel it lapping at our feet and we decide that even though we cannot empty it, even though we will never know a day when we will see results from what we’re doing, that we can’t stop. We try, gods, there have been days that I have begged to be released from this knowing. This awful, terrifying, horrible knowing. There have been days that I wished, with everything inside of me, that I could reverse that knowing. That I could go back to when I didn’t see it, back to when the ocean was invisible to me, just as the women standing on the beach were invisible.

But I can’t. And I keep trying to lay down but as soon as the waves lap at my feet I realize that I can’t just let it take me. And so I listen to the words of my brave sisters and I look up at them from the sand and I take their words and use them to lift myself back up because damnit, I don’t want to be swallowed whole.

To my sisters, to all the women who write, and speak and talk and fight. To all of you holding your spoons right now and looking at the vastness of what we’re doing. To those of you who have watched others lay down and feel frustration and sadness and who are fighting back tears.

I feel your pain.

Your words are treasured jewels to me. They are the hope that I can cling to and the fire under my ass and damnit, sometimes I hate you for speaking out. Sometimes I hate you for continuing to show me this ocean when all I want to do is lay back and let the waves wash over me. But somehow you always manage to inspire those few remaining words I have and your words and bravery and dedication manage to pull me to my feet once more even though I feel so tired and I’m still so very young.

 

You are all beautiful. You are all intense and amazing and brilliant. And Heart, while I read your words and see the stories about more women being devoured by the ocean and I grow angry at you for reminding me of it and pulling me to my feet once more, I love you for the inspiration that you give to me.

All of you are wonderful. All of you are incredible. Stormy, Sparkle, Spotted Elephant, Breatheinspirt, Lost Clown, OAG, Sam, all of you and so many more that I can’t name you all, thank you for making me mad. Thank you for enraging me in those moments when all I want to do is run into the ocean and let it consume me. Your words, your stories, your articles are inspiration to me.

There may come a day when I throw it in completely, when I am consumed by misery and sadness and despair and I lay down and I don’t stand back up, sometimes I hope that the day will come soon. Looking at the threads of my life that are spreading before me and knowing that as long as I am in this world, as long as I am alive and breathing and typing that I will be facing the raw hatred and condemnation that I have received thus far makes me terrified for what the remainder of my life holds.

When I feel the pain of another woman cutting deeply into my own soul I look out towards the future and know that there will be so many more moments like this one. So many more times when my heart feels as if it shall bleed all over my keyboard and I think to myself, “I’m sorry my darling sister. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t stop it for you.” And fuck, I’m not looking forward to a lifetime of those moments, yet, there is no other choice for me right now.

No, this post is far from happy. It’s far from optimistic, it’s far from anything even remotely resembling hope. This is a post of desolation and despondency, of fear and anger and the overarching feeling of being entirely helpless yet, perhaps it is also a peek into what others feel on those days that they post one line,

 

“I need a break.”

Before disappearing for weeks.

~BB

P.S.- I wanted to add that I am NOT going to stop writing. This is not a ‘goodbye’ letter but rather a letter of frustration. I’m not ready to lie down just yet 🙂

Also, some of you will have noticed that I opened comments on this post for the express purpose of showing everyone what goes on ‘behind the scenes’ on some blogs. These are the comments that we keep off the blog for obvious reasons. I think they’ll go a very long way towards proving my point once again.

Responses to the Rapist Checklist

I posted the repost of the The Rapist Checklist yesterday and, as expected, there were quite a few comments that I garnered that were just teeming with indignant rage. As most of you know I don’t post nasty comments because I tire of the constant parade of trolls who shows up and needs to be dealt with. I’m unwilling to let their redundant crap go unchallenged but, after fighting the same unoriginal comment week after week after week, I grow tired of the same old song and dance.

However, sometimes I like to post their comments for everyone to see. It’s amusing to me as well as frightening that there are so many out there who simply don’t get it. In the spirit of a good roast I have decided to post a few comments regarding that post. So, without further ado I bring you a few of the unmoderated comments I received on that particular post.

Someone calling themselves “Cynical” posted an amusing comment. They reference several of the checklist numbers so I will copy and paste those here as well so that everyone doesn’t have to jump back and forth on their browsers to follow him. The original comment is in italics the quoted bits from the post are in bold and, of course, my current response is in the normal font.

Cynical says: On 13-15 Are you telling me I was raped when I was talked into it or nagged into it?

13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.

14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.

15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.

If you’re a man then the likely answer is No, you were not raped. If you’re a woman then perhaps you were. If you’re a woman who didn’t want to have sex but were frightened of what he’d do if you wouldn’t do it with him or felt as if there were no other choices, then yes, I would absolutely say that you were raped.

However, I get the feeling that this is a guy and, as such, the answer is most notably “NO”, you were not raped but of course, you already knew that you simply wanted to try and get the mean ol’ feminist with your idea of a silver bullet. You were fully aware that you weren’t raped but figured that you were the first man who ever approached me with your particular brand of logic and that you’d be able to shut me up or make me cower beneath the threat of your clearly superior logic.

Wrong.

You weren’t raped if you were talked into it and here’s why.

First off, do you ever fear being physically and violently raped if you tell a woman “No”? Of course not. You know that if you tell her “No” the worst that will happen is that she will ask a few times and then give up. Do you fear that if you raise your voice to her or even hit her if she continues to ‘nag’ you that you will be beat to death? That you will be held down against your will and penetrated? These are fears that huge numbers of women experience and fears that you will never, ever experience. The same sort of pressure for you is not there.

Secondly as a man in this society you have likely been socialized to understand that you are ‘allowed’ to do whatever you want in pursuit of getting your dick into some woman’s body. It’s clear that you don’t respect the word “No” which is a verbal boundary. Therefore, it’s likely that you have engaged in this behavior yourself since you clearly are unable to comprehend the importance of the word “No”, particularly as it pertains to females.

It’s also likely that you are/were much larger than the woman you bullied (i.e. ‘nagged’) into sex with you. Even if you weren’t you, as a male, have been socialized to be violent and ‘manly’ in your life. Violence, the threat of it, and the normalization of it, is something that men experience as acceptable during their formative years. Particularly in the pursuit of penetration.

Women, on the other hand, are unilaterally taught that violence is unacceptable and that they must never engage a man in violence.

The situation you put women into is literally a situation in which, if you decide not to listen to her repeated “No’s” she is forced to up the ante of violence, perhaps by hitting you? Screaming at you? Telling you that you are attempting to rape her? Screaming the word “NO” as loudly as possible?

You are forcing your ‘partner’ (i.e. victim) to up the level of violence, most likely going against everything that society has taught her to do from a very young age as well as breaking one of the largest taboos a woman can face that taboo being to precipitate violence against a male.

The woman you raped in this way also has a 1 in 3 chance of having been raped before and over a 50/50 chance of having been physically hurt by a male. With these other factors in mind it is far less likely that your victim would up the ante. Even if she was a woman who had never experienced ANY of these things she has certainly watched the endless parade of faceless women on television who are beaten, raped and murdered by men. These news stories are bound to have an effect, that effect will predictably be to not initiate violence against a man lest they risk becoming one of the nameless, faceless women on the nightly news.

The fact that you clearly don’t respect the word “No” as a boundary just as real as any physical boundary tells me that you very likely wouldn’t respect any boundary that she laid other than one that was clearly physical.

It is also clear to me that since it never occurred to you that a female could have a past that wasn’t what you believe it should be that you will likewise be incapable of actually understanding this argument because it would implicate you in a crime that you find abhorrent. Of course, you only find it abhorrent when the person engaging in the crime isn’t following the rules of engagement as you have decided them to be. In other words, rape is clearly only a crime when a woman is battered and beaten, not when she is frightened and says “Yes” to avoid becoming one of those battered and beaten women.

Of course, it’s also likely that you are reading this right now and are offended beyond belief because, according to you, you are a non-violent man and of course she should somehow intuit that you weren’t planning on becoming physically violent with her. Your victim(s) are never allowed to be frightened of you because it would bring into focus the actual wrongness of the act that you are perpetuating upon their bodies. As well as make you ponder on why you don’t believe that “NO” is a ‘real’ boundary.

You clearly do not respect the word “NO” and you clearly believe that she should, for whatever reason, up the level of violence to get you to leave her the fuck alone. In other words, you believe that she is responsible to stop you. SHE is responsible for making you leave her alone; she is also responsible if she fails in the expectation that she stop your repeated aggression. If she is unable to stop your violent and aggressive behavior then she must have ‘wanted’ it. If she gives in as a result of fear, worry, or perceived lack of choices when she is most likely outgunned, out-muscled and certainly out-forced by a man who has been socialized into violence then she is clearly at fault.

If she fails to provide you with a ‘good enough’ argument to ‘convince’ you to stop and leave her alone then she clearly wanted you to penetrate her. And of course, she should up that level of violence in such a way that she doesn’t offend you because then she’s in danger of pissing you off because she thinks you may be dangerous. You ARE dangerous but you hide beneath the cover that so many men like you hide behind. That cover being to ascribe power to her that she doesn’t actually have and then expect her to utilize that nonexistent power to make you stop. If she is unable to do that then she is clearly to blame and it’s a case of you being ‘confused’ rather than you bullying her for hours until she is so exhausted by repeated “No’s” that she gives in to you to hopefully get you to leave her the fuck alone. If she shows you fear and you see it mirrored in her eyes it would probably piss you off beyond recognition as it is likely doing right now.

So tell me, what exactly do you expect her to do to make you stop? Any woman that is with you must repeatedly and gently tell you “No” until you grow tired? Must she hit you with something? Does she need to give you an excuse that will allow you to ‘let her off the hook’? Why is her verbal boundary, her “No”, not enough? Why does it never occur to you that this may very well be a woman who has been either hit or raped before? Why do you feel that you can continue to pressure her for a yes? Do you think that if she says “No” 100 times that suddenly on the 101st time she is dying to have your big manly cock put inside of her? Do you believe that, even though she didn’t want you for the last two hours, somehow you are able to turn that tired “NO” into a Yes and she will love it?

 

I seriously doubt that you believe this as you are well aware that when someone is nagged or bullied into doing something they rarely, if ever, glean any real enjoyment for the act that they were bullied into. Therefore, it’s clear to me that your desire to penetrate another person’s body has absolutely nothing to do with her enjoyment, pleasure or anything of the sort. The verbal gymnastics and exhausting games that you employ aren’t so that you can penetrate her and feel a bonding with a person you consider an equal. Indeed, they are performed and carried out with the express purpose of ‘winning’ and the orgasm is simply a bonus.

No man who gives a flying fuck about women or who considers her to be an autonomous individual who is equal to them, will deliberately and continually push through a woman’s “No’s” until they get a “Yes”. The selfishness that is displayed to get her to a point of turning that No into a Yes precludes any logical thinking creature from believing that you, in any way, think of the woman you are penetrating as an equal.

Up to that point you selfishly refused to acknowledge her “No”, waltzing through her verbal boundaries and putting her into a position of risking violence against you. You forced her to play the ‘guess what you need to do to make me stop harassing you’ game.

You put her into a position where her “No” is meaningless to you and showed her, quite clearly, that you are fully capable, willing and able to continue to press her with whatever means necessary to get her to ‘consent’ to what you want to do to her. The fact that you utterly and completely ignored her “No’s” tells her that you are capable and willing to force her to either:

A) Hit you
B) Scream at you or
C) Otherwise put herself into a vulnerable position against you.

You have forced her to attempt to read your mind in an attempt to ascertain whether or not you could become violent. You clearly care nothing for her enjoyment as your actions indicate that you are primarily concerned with sticking your dick inside of her. Her “No” means nothing to you. Her tired “Yes” is all that matters.

And of course, seeing that you have grown incredibly angry with me right now for pointing this out to you, I can also safely assume that you expect the woman to also pretend to enjoy it after you have exhausted her into a “Yes”. If she lays there like a dead animal looking at the ceiling you will be mightily offended and so, she not only must put up with your incessant bullying but also, when she finally gives in, she must act as though she enjoys it. I suspect that you’re one of those guys who also believes that every woman you’ve ever been with has been brought to orgasm multiple times by penetration alone.

Here’s a clue, those screams are faked BECAUSE she knows that you’re a violent fuck who could turn into a complete monster if she doesn’t fake them.

On 29 (wedding night). Absolutely correct. Weddings can be exhausting. If it bothers you go sleep on the couch. If it really bothers you a lot, you can always go get an annulment in the morning, you aren’t ready to be married

29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.

So clearly you believe that marriage is all about a man sticking his member into a woman. Penetration is clearly the mark of a woman who is ‘ready’ to be married. Notice also that my phrasing on 29 was if you ‘force or coerce’ her and this is the language that you disagree with.

Obviously you believe that any woman who marries you forgoes her right to say “No” to sex. Because you’ve done her the presumably wonderful service of marrying her she owes you sex and if she doesn’t like it then she can just leave. If she doesn’t want you to harass her for hours on end then her options are to either sleep on the couch or divorce you. I wonder if you tell any woman you’re thinking about marrying that you believe she has no right to tell you “No” and have that “No” be respected before you marry her?

“NO” means nothing to you, even after you’ve supposedly bonded with a woman for the rest of your life.

Evidently to you, “In sickness and in health til death do you part” translates into, “As long as you let me stick my dick in you we’re fine but don’t you dare think that that pussy doesn’t belong to me and that I don’t have a right to use it when I wish. If you don’t like it then get the fuck out.”

You could add: don’t get mad at or criticize your guy for not taking no for an answer. If you didn’t mean no, you shouldn’t have said it. Don’t try to train your guy to take no for an answer.

Yes, because clearly in your world women don’t have that right and the only type of boundary that you will respect is the boundary in which she points a gun at your head and tells you to get the fuck out of her bedroom. I love how you give yourself unilateral permission to bully each and every woman you are with into sex with you. It also stands to reason that you probably believe that you are a wonderful lover.

 

The sickest part of all is that you likely also believe that you actually love your partners, in which case your definition of love is so twisted that I can scarcely contain myself from sobs for the poor female who is partnered with you.

Clearly to you, love is all about penetrating her. And it’s not orgasm you’re seeking, it’s penetration which to you, as to many men in this society, has morphed into a quick fix for power. If it were simply intimacy that you’re seeking then kissing, cuddling and so forth would be enough to fulfill you. And if it were orgasm you sought then you’d simply masturbate. However, you are undoubtedly one of those men who has decided that each and every time you get a boner that the woman you’re with should take care of that boner.

It’s a sad state of affairs when a man can refuse to hear a woman’s pleas of “No”, coerce, nag, bully and frighten her into sex. Expect her to then like it and pat himself on the back for being such a wonderful lover when she fakes 5 orgasms just to make him leave her the fuck alone. And then, on top of all that, to make a claim that he loves her.

Clearly your actions have nothing to do with intimacy, mutual respect or mutual satisfaction and everything to do with control, conquest and ‘winning’. You chase a woman as if she were a gazelle, conquer her with your repeated and likely frightening advances, and then expect her to enjoy being devoured.

Not only that, but you believe that this is a normal expression of love or affection between two people. You ascribe a woman power that you deny her. You say that she shouldn’t have said “Yes” if she didn’t mean it but you don’t allow her the option of saying “No”. You act as though you are giving her power that you really have no intention of allowing her because the only acceptable answer to your repeated (and likely pathetic) come on’s is a “Yes”. Nothing short of a baseball bat or a knee to the groin will stop you and not only is this considered ‘normal’ to you, it is also something that women should not attempt to stop.

Talk about twisted.

I disagree with you about 46. Anybody can be crazy or lie. Someone who never met him sued David Letterman for harassment (sic) for sending her coded messages through his show. If she had claimed he raped her, would disbelieving her encourage rape?I think it is the opposite. If we encourage blind faith in everyone who says she was raped, we lose credibility when we say “I believe her”. Then they could say “so what, you believe everybody, so your believing this particular victim doesn’t mean anything”.

46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.

The false reporting for rape is the exact same as the false reporting for any other crime. About 2% of rape reports are false reports, just as 2% of car theft reports are false reports and 2% of robbery reports are false reports.

Of course, I’m certain that you don’t look to your friend who has just had his car stolen and say, “I think you’re lying!” Why? Because clearly, to you at least, women are lying manipulative bitches.

There is no other crime in which a victim is immediately thought to be lying except for those crimes that are perpetuated onto females. Have you ever looked at a news report where a home was burglarized and thought immediately to yourself, “They’re probably lying! If we assume that they’re telling the truth about being robbed then we lose credibility!”

Of course you don’t because to you, as you have so aptly illustrated in your comments, women are simply a means to an end. To you, women are lying, cheating, and thieving creatures that must be treated with mistrust and violence when necessary.

Who does this line of thinking benefit? Who does it benefit when you immediately disbelieve all accusations of rape? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. It benefits the rapists. It allows rapists to walk and it allows for public opinion of rape victims to be twisted to allow for men like you to rape without consequence.

A woman who is raped is much less likely to fight you off when you walk through her “No’s” because she’s intimately familiar with the violence that men are capable of. And so, in a quest to not be physically hurt she will wearily say “Yes” rather than risk being physically and violently violated. This benefits YOU specifically and in general it benefits each and every single man who uses the same tactics as you do. In other words, you benefit and continue to defend those benefits that physically violent rapists have given you and you also see no problem with that.

You are so willing to believe men over women but yet, you don’t question crimes that occur to men by other men. Even when the rates of false reporting for the crimes are identical. You never routinely question whether or not a carjacking was real, why?

Why is it that, even though only 2 out of 100 reports of rape are actually false, you insist that women are lying and that to believe them means that women everywhere will suffer from credibility issues? Again I ask, do you believe someone when they say they were robbed? Or do you interrogate them and tell them that “Anyone could say they were robbed! You probably sold your stuff to a pawn shop and then decided that you were robbed!”

If you don’t do this then I strongly suggest that you consider why you don’t.

I was going to post a few more comments but I’ve decided not to bother. They are much the same as this guy wherein they determine, without ever having looked it up, that women are liars and that most rape allegations are false.

Why? Because they, as much of society, have placed more weight on the truthfulness of men’s words than women’s. It doesn’t surprise me that so many men in particular don’t want to see any of these things as applying to them. Of course men like ‘Cynical’ want to keep the status quo, it allows them to unilaterally and without consequence, rape women who would otherwise run like hell from them.

~BB

Published in: on May 31, 2008 at 2:04 pm  Leave a Comment  
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A Note On Recent ‘Scientific’ Studies

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve gotten several links to articles which are reporting that pornography on the internet decreases rape rates. Apparently someone out there has decided that because reported rape rates have fallen it must be due to the vast amounts of pornography on the internet.

Here is one of those articles: How The Web Prevents Rape. I haven’t responded to any of this because, well, to be perfectly honest I really didn’t see the need to. When you take a stance like mine on pornography you start to see some really ridiculous ‘studies’ and this is no exception.

In this ‘study’ what the researchers did was to literally take the reported rape rates and then take reported internet usage, not just porn usage but internet usage as a whole, and when they saw that reported rapes were down, they inferred that it must be due to pornography on the internet.

There are so many reasons that this is a fallacious assumption to make.

1. Nobody bothered to ask what these people were doing online, it is, of course, assumed that people are browsing FreeXXX sites. Apparently these researchers think that men have nothing better than to peruse pornography sites all day.

2. Where is the consideration for the vast amount of work that women’s groups have engaged in designed to decrease rape? In one fell swoop all of the effort, time and money of women’s groups who have begun grassroots campaigns all over the place to prevent rape have been erased.

3. They didn’t correct or account for the fact that perhaps more women are simply not reporting rape. With the recent influx of women who have been charged with a crime when there isn’t enough proof to convict her accused rapist I think that this is certainly an extremely important factor to consider. Indeed, the climate surrounding the Duke case and many others like it has undoubtedly had an impact. I now speak to many women who immediately state that they would not, under any circumstances, report their own rapes.

4. The ‘researchers’ on this study clearly believe that rape is sex and nothing more.

Notice that these studies always compare reported rapes, not actual rapes. There are many problems with studies like this that place them unequivocally into the camp of junk science.

Only one of many problems is the equation of sex and rape. The underlying message beneath all of these studies is that men are seeking sex when they violently rape a woman. In a society which classes porn as little more than ‘naked people fucking’ the only conclusion that said society will come to upon hearing such a claim is that men are simply taking sex from females when they rape them.

This has extraordinarily troubling implications even if we assumed that it wasn’t a load of shit. It implies that men are so dangerous that they must literally be fed a diet of pornography to keep them from harming women. As a class they are so out of control and terrifying that if we don’t let them see women being fucked then they will violently take women against their will.

I know some men who would vehemently disagree with this idea and rightly so. I am often called a man-hater which is always amusing to me because when we really look at what researchers like this are trying to say it is clearly THEM who hate men. I personally believe that men are NOT out of control beasts that require a steady diet of degradation to relieve their terrifying urge to rape women. But this study, and studies like this one, always reduce men to creatures who are incapable of not raping unless and until we give them what they want.

Sex is not rape. Rape is not sex. I have done articles on this before, indeed, I have done many articles on the topic. Rape is violence and control using sex as the weapon. Rape is the action by which a man takes control and autonomy from a woman, sex is the tool. Rape is the culmination of deep seated hatred and lack of empathy by men against women. Penetration is merely one of the most effective ways in which they can degrade and dehumanize us.

To men, perhaps rape is simply sex. But to women who have been raped there is a very clear difference. Rape is about forcing a woman, through a myriad of ways, to succumb to the will of the man. For the rapist it is not penetration that he’s looking for, it’s the ‘kill’. It’s the victory of taking a woman that is the high and the rush. And this entire society condones and even conditions men to use whatever means necessary to get that ‘win’.

Women who experience this are fully aware of it. It’s not about the orgasm, it’s about the ‘win’ that they get when they bend a woman to their demands either by sheer force, threatening body language, taking her other options away or some other means.

So that is just one very large problem with this sort of study. Rape is not sex and sex is not rape. These are dangerous studies because they imply that if every man has his orgasm demands met then he won’t rape and this in turn, implies that to keep women safe we MUST feed men a steady diet of images of women that they can use and orgasm to. Even if we take the same assumption that the ‘researchers’ take and assume that porn is just good clean fun we are still left with troubling facts that are very hard to get around and terrifying to even the bravest of women. That message is this:

If women don’t placate men’s desire to orgasm then men will hurt women.

This mindset sets up a ‘blame the victim’ paradigm. It places the responsibility for male violence onto the shoulders of women. It assumes that women must give men the orgasm they desire or men will rape us to get more of it. In so doing this paradigm also creates a subset of women who will always be ‘fed’ to male desire, acting as a sacrificial lamb to keep the rest of us safe. When this mindset bears fruit it will always be in the form of victim blaming. Male violence against females will inevitably be blamed on females, either on the victim directly or onto females as a group because the theory rests on the notion that men cannot control themselves and must orgasm to real live women in order to be reasonably expected to control themselves.

Therefore a man who rapes a woman will always be held with less responsibility than the female whom he raped or females at large in the society. Because of his ‘need’ for orgasm clearly if she turned him on or did something ‘inappropriate’ it’s her fault.

The male drive for orgasm is likened to the predatory drive seen in large carnivores. We can’t really blame the lion, even if it’s a ‘tame’ lion, for lunging after the goat because that’s what lions do. When we slip into this sort of description for male orgasm then we almost invariably wind up saying, “Well, you can’t blame the guy for raping her because he was taken over by his desire to orgasm and that’s what men do.”

Other flaws in this junk science are that reported rapes reflect actual number of rapes. This particular story even assumes that violent movies curb the urges of men to be violent. It comes to this conclusion by assuming that when violent movies are running in the theatres that violent men are watching these movies instead of being violent against others.

As it pertains to rape however, I find it frightening that any ‘scientist’ would assume that reported rapes are the same as actual rapes. We have recently seen a virtual plethora of rape cases in which the victim is brutalized by the media and the public. Her accusations fall onto deaf ears because they assume that she is a liar. She then morphs into the villain in the media and openly on the internet, in newspapers and so forth. The Duke case is only one of these; many more cases follow behind this one.

Women understand that the moment a rape charge is leveled that the cries of “She’s a lying whore!” are soon to come. Because of this many women are deterred from reporting rape, add this to the basic assumption of people that rape is sex and she becomes even more afraid to report her trauma.

Recently there have been many cases in the media that have gone terribly wrong for the woman who reports the rape. In one case a young woman reported being gang raped by her boyfriend and his friend when she was getting ready for a party. The men, of course, claimed that it was consensual. When the young woman appeared before the judge he determined that she wasn’t “acting like a victim” and he dropped the charges against the men and instead charged her with filing false charges. Based upon nothing more than what he perceived a rape victim should act like.

In yet another case a woman was threatened with jail when she refused to watch a videotape of her rape and be cross-examined about it in front of the courtroom. She said that it would be too traumatic and utterly refused to do it. The woman was very nearly jailed for refusing to watch her own rape on television until public outcry softened the judge’s stance.

In case after case we see young women who have been violated run through the emotional trauma of criminal charges leveled against them if they don’t fit the preconceived notion of what a ‘good’ rape victim should act like. Strippers are clearly not ‘good’ victims, nor are prostitutes, nor are women who wanted to have sex, nor are women who dress provocatively or women who are drunk or women who got willingly drunk, or women who had consensual sex with their rapists in the past, or women who are wives to their rapists, the list goes on and on.

In trial after trial we see every manner of situation being described in the same way. Women watch as the media slashes at women who report rape and public outcry says that it’s a case of ‘boys being boys’. When young men write emails saying that they will kill a woman and then, later that day, they are accused of rape, their actions are still minimized.

When a videotape of young men raping a mentally handicapped girl, urinating on her, lighting her hair on fire and so forth, is brought into the public eye we immediately see the media encourage the sentiment that ‘boys will be boys’.

Women are not stupid and repeatedly watching and absorbing these horrific trials will have a very predictable effect on even the bravest of us. Watching women being called whores, sluts and would be porn stars is terrifying to all of us. Even when the rape has been videotaped we watch, in horror, as the victim is martyred in the community and has her name and image plastered around the town.

With stories like these women are afraid of speaking up and pressing charges. They refuse to be forced to explain themselves, explain why they wore what they wore and why they didn’t do this or that. They refuse to put themselves through even more trauma for the sake of a conviction and would rather try to heal on their own.

So no, ‘studies’ like these that claim that porn is reducing rape rates based upon little more than the observation that reported rapes are down while porn usage is up, are both dangerous and unfounded. I have much more to add to this but I find myself completely out of time for the moment. Perhaps I’ll come back later and add to this later but for now I have a stall to fix.

~BB

Published in: on May 31, 2008 at 2:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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The Rapist Checklist (repost)

Ok, I was going to post something new and original today but I noted something in the comments. One of my old posts, entitled The Rapist Checklist has been paleoposted somewhere else once more.

Every now and then someone stumbles onto an old post and posts a link somewhere else. Now this post in particular really pissed off a bunch of people at the time and it continues to do so. I re-read it again this morning trying to see if I saw it in a different light now so many months after the original posting. It read the same as it did the day I posted it and made just as much sense to me.

However, you all would be amazed if you saw the sheer number of men who get ragingly pissed off by this post. For that reason alone I thought that it was worth reposting so today I’m copying it to this new post, just because I think it’ll be alot of fun to visit memory lane.

 

The Rapist Checklist

Some things to remember…

1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.

2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.

3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk and have sex with her. Your drunkeness is no excuse.

4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.

5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.

6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.

7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.

10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.

11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.

13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.

14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.

15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.

16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.

17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.

18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep depravation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.

19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.

20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.

21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.

22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.

23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.

24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.

25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.

26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.

27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.

28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.

29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.

30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’re a rapist.

31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.

32. Women do not owe you sex.

33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.

34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.

35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.

36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.

37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex.

38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.

39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.

40. If she has fucked every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to fuck you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.

41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.

42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.

43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your dick all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.

44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.

45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.

46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.

47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.

48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.

49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.

50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.

51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.

Hmmm…I think that about covers it. Any questions? Good.

Oh, and feel free to add new ones in the comments and I’ll edit the post and put them up here for reference.

~BB

Published in: on May 31, 2008 at 1:58 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Another Day, Another Debate

Hello all! First off I want to thank everyone for the kind cards, emails and birthday wishes. My birthday went over pretty well and I’m now officially 34 *grin*. Also, a huge thank you to everyone for being so patient while I work through the summer ‘busies’. It happens every summer, harvest time is here and we’re busy well….harvesting. Things will be slowing back down to a reasonable pace pretty soon but I’ve gotten a good lesson on trying to blog during my summer shuffle, that lesson being that it doesn’t work out so well. *smile*


Anyway, the point of this post is to tell everyone about the discussion I had with a friend a few nights ago in which we beat a dead horse that goes by the name of Bill Clinton. Funny how heated the discussions still get over this topic, particularly with Democrats. In any case, I was chatting with a friend when Bill Clinton came up. My reaction was the same as it has always been, my gut clenched and my brow furrowed and the scary ol’ rabid feminist within came bubbling to the surface.

Now my friend is (was) an ardent support of Bill Clinton, he’s also a self-proclaimed feminist supporter but he never really thought about Bill Clinton using a feminist lens. And so, when his name came up I was met with a defensive spin about how Bill was a poor, poor widdle dude and a pawn for the Republicans. I was again treated to the same old, same old about how those evil Republicans only wanted to take down the man who had done so much good for the country. Finally I jumped in (yes, I interrupted, *sigh*) and told him this:

“The way I see it if you support Bill Clinton then you must believe 1 of 2 things-

1. That women lie. You must believe this in order to support Bill Clinton because upwards of fifteen women have accused Bill of varying levels of sexual assault up to and including rape.

2. That sexual harassment and/or assault and/or rape are acceptable as long as a man is doing a good job at work.

Now, seeing as how this was coming from a self-proclaimed pro-feminist man he understood a bit about the power dynamic and he knew the statistics and numbers surrounding women and assault so the groundwork here had already been laid. However, he was still surprised when he saw that the studies and statistics that he was already aware of didn’t seem to apply in the Bill Clinton arena. He was even more surprised that he had to ‘let it sink in’ when I finally cornered him.

I mean, this was a fella who is fully aware that the numbers of false reports made by women against men is the same as for any other crime, about 2-3% and yet being faced with this knowledge and having to really believe it was something else entirely. And while he ultimately had to choose between the good ol’ boys club and his self-proclaimed pro-feminist stance he had to ‘let it sink in’ before he could actively admit that his golden boy was just another abuser. (Oh and for those of you who may be wondering, YES I was indeed offended that he had to ‘let it sink in’. I asked him, “Let what sink in? The fact that sexual assault is a serious crime? What sort of sinking is required for that?)

Suffice it to say that the conversation quickly became a debate which quickly eroded into an argument which quickly sent my pressure gauge through the roof. I ultimately won and he was forced to concede that he did not believe that a man should be exonerated and forgiven for these sorts of crimes just because he does a good job at work. Nor was he able to say that all of these women were lying, with both of those things taken away from him he was unable to support Bill Clinton any longer.

But see, here’s the thing. It’s been many years since Bill Clinton and there are still too damned many people out there who don’t seem to get it. Too many people who have never ‘really’ thought about this man and who/what he was.

Now, I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m not sure where I stand on Hillary. To be completely honest with you I’m torn because, as everyone here knows, I don’t attack women and goodness knows that I understand just how fucking hard it is to get out of abusive marriages. However, her husband was accused of rape by at least one woman as well as several violent sexual assaults by other women. Because of these very opposing factors I won’t generally debate over Hillary, I just shrug, furrow my eyebrows and say bluntly, “I really don’t know where I fall with Hillary.”

Bill, on the other hand, is easy. Here is a man who is a bona-fide predator, a man who systematically assaulted, harassed and abused many different women even before he reached the all powerful position of President. And of course, he didn’t change his ways when he became President, no sireee bub. Instead he actively pursued a very young girl. Talk about an imbalance of power.

In short, I get riled up every time I hear someone defend that man’s actions and goodness knows that there’s more than enough Bill supporters out there for anyone. So there you have it, a secret of the BB universe. And no, I’m not entirely sure why I thought that this topic deserved a post I just thought that it was an interesting albeit heated debate which serves as a fine case-in-point attesting to some serious cognitive dissonance.

Oh and I do have a few other posts rattling around in my head and as soon as I can get my shit together I’ll try to rattle them off.

Til then folks!

BB

Published in: on May 31, 2008 at 1:30 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Chicken or Egg?

It has been pointed out as of late that rape existed long before pornography did. This is generally used as a blanket statement to exonerate porn from any ill effect. Obviously, there are several problems with this idea, though it seems like a strong enough thought on the surface.

 Sure, rape has existed before pornography was invented, if we assume that cave paintings aren’t pornography. (For those of you who use the defense that porn has been around in the form of cave paintings for that long I’d also like to point out that rape has been around that long as well so you’re kinda shooting yourself in the foot with that defense) For the purposes of this discussion we’re going to assume that porn, as we know it, has been around for about 30 years give or take.

For us to determine what role porn plays in rape, we first have to determine what rape is. Is rape sex? Is rape control? Is rape a hybrid between the two? 

Rape is using sexuality as a weapon to punish or control another human being. For rape to occur at least one other thing must happen. The rapist needs to see his victim, not as a human being, but as a creature that is less than he is. He has to have lost his ability to empathize with her pain. He has to view his victim as little more than an object. Objects do not feel. Objects do not object to their treatment. Objects do not have a say in what they are, they just are. 

Here’s what I contend. Porn causes rape because porn is built on the same principals that rape is built on. Control, domination and objectification. Porn doesn’t cause all rape, but all rapes share the same values that porn shares. Control, domination and objectification. 

These things are present in each and every rapist. The core belief that a woman’s desires are less important than a man’s desires. That a man’s desires have a right to be fulfilled by any means necessary. The core belief that women are simply a means to an end. An ideology that includes controlling people around him. These are all touted, with great reverence, in pornography. 

In pornography, sex becomes violence. Slapping buttocks, calling women names, dehumanizing them, all are part and parcel of pornography. All of this does a fine job of conflating sex with violence and those are the VERY things that rapists have in common; conflating sex with violence. 

Rape is a crime that perverts control with sex. It is a way to hurt women through their sex. To control women via their sex. 

Porn perverts sex with control. It defines women by their sex, objectifying them in the process. Pornorgraphy is a medium through which pain and pleasure become almost inextricably linked. 

Rapists are not born, they are made, and our society is making them. Porn is making them. It is making and creating rapists by instilling the very same notions of control, dominance, submission and sex that all rapists have. 

No, porn doesn’t cause all rapes. Nobody has suggested that. Although, the porn apologists have a hard time seeing that and they make an assumption that if rape has been around since before porn that porn cannot be causing rapes. What they’re NOT looking at is that porn holds so many of the same ideologies that rapists hold that the two are intrinsically linked. 

In porn we see a woman being fucked by a man. Her screams of ‘pleasure’ are eerily similar to a scream of pain. As he is fucking her he may be slapping her on the buttocks, he may be calling her ‘Whore’, ‘Cunt’ or ‘Slut’. 

In rape we see a woman being fucked by a man. Her screams are screams of pain, which are eerily similar to the screams of ‘pleasure’ from a porn star. As her rapist is fucking her he may be slapping her, he’s probably calling her a ‘Whore’, a ‘Cunt’ or a ‘Slut’. 

In porn we see women, stripped, the focus is on their parts they are objects for consumption. 

Rapists do not rape humans, they rape objects

Porn creates rapists by hardening them to a woman’s protests, by hardening men to women as HUMANS first and women second. The values taught in porn are identical to the values of the rapist. 

There can be little doubt that porn causes men to view women through a callous lens. It allows them to disassociate from them entirely. In porn, women are presented as objects, nothing more, and the number one thing that a rapist has to possess is the ideology that women are objects. 

There is no way around this. Sure, there are other mediums in which women are objectified, it happens all the time, but porn is the only media which displays sex, objectification and control all in ONE package. It is the ONLY medium in which pain and pleasure become inextricably linked. The ONLY medium in which women are so clearly dehumanized and degraded. And those people who refuse to see it, those people who claim that they CAN’T see it, the ones who say that there is nothing dehumanizing about being called names while engaged in sexual intercourse, are already dead to women. 

If a person is unable to see how the acts in pornography degrade, dehumanize and objectify women then they are already useless to women. They are already on their way to meeting at least one of the criteria of a rapist, that criteria being decreased and/or no empathy towards women. 

I say that the ideas and messages inherent in pornography, in ALL pornography, is a glorification of the rapist’s mentality. Pornography is not just a byproduct of a sick society; it is a documentary of a sick society, a reflection of a sick society, and an instruction manual for being a member of a sick society. Just like the Gladiatorial Games were a reflection of, a documentary of, and an instruction manual for the brutality of ancient Rome.

And if an Emperor in ancient Rome passed decrees and laws intended to make Rome a peaceful, less brutal place with peaceful people, but without changing or banning the Gladiators, it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. You’d have a Rome that preaches peace but whose people were still violent. 

Apply that to pornography. Want a real-world example? Look at Sweden. Every politician has to claim to be a “feminist” to get elected, and they have scads of “feminist” laws on the books… but they still have rape, sexual violence, glass ceilings, and most of the other problems associated with mindsets. Not just any mindset, but mindsets that porn promotes. 

A society can often be judged by its most popular form of entertainment. Pornography is a 56 billion dollar a year industry, which is more than the NFL, MLB, NHL, and NBA combined. That’s more than the yearly revenue of ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox combined. Pornography is unquestionably our most popular form of entertainment. It is a reflection and a reinforcement of what our society values. 

Are the porn values the same values you’d want your children to learn in school? Porn values nothing more the degradation and dehumanization of half the population to make the other half feel secure in their dominance. 

Pornography and rape are not related by some mystical “common cause” any more than bomb making and publishing the Anarchist’s Cookbook are. They are simply reflections of each other, and pornography FEEDS rape. Rape FEEDS pornography. It’s a vicious cycle that has to be broken somehow. But that’s another post . 

Pornography causes rape. The evidence shows it no matter how you try to twist it around. The “common cause” of pornography and rape could be said to be a society that exists on the domination and oppression of a female sex class, but then you have to take into account how both pornography and rape help create that society. It becomes a chicken-and-egg scenario, and as long as we keep chasing our tails trying to find out for certain which one is the REAL root cause before we try to fix any of it, it won’t get fixed. 

Pornography is a documentation of rape. It is not a symptom of a sick society; it is a propaganda reinforcing the values and methods of the sick society. Maybe it was a symptom at one time, but now it has become an equal part of the problem. 

How can we work for equality for women while ignoring or promoting(!) an industry that feeds off of inequality at every level? How can we claim we want equality, respect, and justice for women when we traffic with an industry that shows, documents, promotes, and glorifies the exact opposite of those things? Is being called a “cunt” empowering? Respectful? Equal? 

Is it possible for a white guy to call a black man a “n****r” (I tried, but I still couldn’t force myself to type that word out) and still not be racist? Is it possible to empower African Americans through black face and minstrel shows? Is it possible to work for the ACCEPTANCE and EQUALITY of African Americans while we still watch, support, and absorb the concepts displayed in minstrel shows?

Porn is a minstrel show, with women instead of African Americans (and there’s a ton of racism in pornography as well, which we’ll get to in another post). Minstrel shows didn’t cause all racism, but will anyone say they didn’t significantly contribute, in a causative manner, to a racist society? 

Arguing about a “common cause” or “what came first” is ineffective and a distraction. Pornography is a cause of rape. Eliminate pornography, and we will eliminate a lot of rape. Sure, there are other problems to address, other things that condone, support, and contribute to a rape culture, but pornography strengthens ALL of them. Pornography is the mouthpiece of the Patriarchy, through which all if its values are disseminated. 

Until we begin to deal with that mouthpiece, until we stop allowing men to use women’s vaginas, breasts, and anus’s to speak their own agenda, our rape rates will continue to climb. Until we figure out what to do with this megaphone called pornography, we will continue to see women suffer at the hands of it. And make no mistake about it, women ARE suffering. 

Perhaps porn, as a medium, didn’t cause my rapes. Porn didn’t force my x husband to rape me. What it DID do was reinforce that his desires were appropriate. That sex and rape were interchangeable. That my pleasure and my pain were indistinguishable. It told him that I’d like it. It also gave him the boner he needed to do the job effectively. It was ammunition for him, showing him creative ways he could rape me. It Showed him that fisting was something that women liked. That I should like it. 

Pornography was a reflection of a society that told him that these things are normal, acceptable and pleasurable. Until people stop being selfish and understand that there are other human beings, other lives outside of their own existence, we will never have freedom. 

It doesn’t matter whether rape was around first or whether porn was around first. I think that everyone can agree that rape is a crime of power. 

To that end, pornography is a medium of power.

~ Biting Beaver 

 

Published in: on April 20, 2008 at 9:14 am  Leave a Comment  
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Against Male Sexuality?

I have often been accused of being ‘against male sexuality’ from, surprise, men. These statements always bother me, and not in an “OMG! You’ve helped me to see the light!” but rather in a “What the hell are they talking about?” kind of way.

 I am always rather surprised when some dude steps forward to say, “What the hell BB? You’re so anti-male and anti-male sexuality!” because, quite frankly, it makes no sense to me. When a man asks me the question, “How are we supposed to act in regards to women?” I am always floored, so much so that I rarely bother answering the questions because it seems so frigging simple to me. Nevertheless, I have decided that I shall create a list of sorts in which I posit exactly what I’m asking for. It has become apparent to me that I need to do such a thing because apparently, long, well-thought out posts that detail every given aspect of behaviors that I find reprehensible are not doing the trick. 

So here, for the convenience of my male readers who don’t ‘get’ it and who ask me to please explain better (after I’ve done 300 and some odd posts that average six pages a piece on every aspect of female oppression at the hands of males that I can think of) I have attempted to devise a list.

What do I expect from males? It’s really rather simple.

 1.   No means No: I take this one very literally. She says “No” you stop. Period. No begging, no harassing, no arguing, no guilt trips, no nothing. All attempts at sexual behaviors stop here, at this one little word. If the word “No” escapes her lips at any time during the activities it is YOUR cue to a full stop. No more “if you loved me you’d do x” No more excuses, no more bullshit. No means No. Get it? Got it? Good.

2. Stop othering us- This is another of my pet peeves. Stop thinking of women as just being ‘wired differently’. Just because your mother cleaned up after you your entire life doesn’t mean she ‘just likes it’. Just because the women in the porn you view appear to love having dicks crammed in every available opening doesn’t mean that SHE likes it. We are not fundamentally ‘different’ from you. When you use this as a basis for your expectations of female/male relationships you will always, each and every single time, attribute the exact OPPOSITE characteristics to a female that you attribute to yourself.

3. Stop staring at us- We are not freaks in a zoo. Our purpose in this world is not to be YOUR eye-candy. Just stop it. Stop staring at the woman in line who you think is ‘fuckable’. Stop undressing us with your eyes. Stop muttering shit under your breath, stop giving us the full body stare. You know, I went to the zoo yesterday with my partner and my children and do you know how many ‘hotties’ were there?

 Neither do I. Why? Because, I’m not interested in grading people, ANY person, on their tits, their asses, their oh-so-manly 5’oclock shadow or their washboard abs. Seriously, I have no fucking CLUE if anyone there was ‘hot’ by societal standards. And no, not because I’m a fathairylesbiandykeprudebitchwhojustneedsagoodfucking but rather because I’m not so preoccupied with the thought of fucking that I can only see people as potential fuck toys. Seriously, this preoccupation with fucking and who is fuckable and who’s hottt and who’s nottt is ridiculous. So stop it. Stop staring at us and stop rating us.

 4. Put the porn down- Yep, you heard me. The suffering of MILLIONS of women is what you’re viewing. Stop making excuses, stop saying, “Well, it’s not in MY porn” when anyone who has done any research on the topic will tell you that each and every single large manufacturer of porn has had scandals involving under aged women, trafficked women, or otherwise. Just put it down. Stop excusing it and stop creating this fucking double standard that you have. Sure, you’ll boycott Nike, or Wal-Mart, but gosh fucking forbid that you give up your jerk off material. You want to know what I want from you? It’s simple. Stop ignoring our pain for your own chubby erections. 

 

5. Stop objectifying us- This goes hand in hand with ‘othering’ but it’s still worth a mention. Stop using our bodies as status symbols for you. Stop being proud that your girlfriend is ‘acceptable’ to your buddies. Stop being ashamed when she’s ‘too fat’ by the standards of your buddies. Stop the excuses and stop being blind to it. If you happen to fall in love with a woman who is culturally beautiful then stop patting yourself on the back when your buddies say, “Whew, good catch friend!” or when men stare at your girlfriends ass. Stop using her to bolster your self-esteem. We are not objects. We are humans and there is sooooooo much more I could write on this one but I’ll stop for the sake of becoming even MORE long winded than usual. 

6. Stop laughing at sexist jokes- That joke about the ‘dumb blonde’ on the Wal-Mart horse ride is sexist. Get over it. Stop supporting men in your work place when they leer at the company secretary who’s stuck in pink collar hell and who’s working to support 2 kids but who has nice tits that the other guys talk about at lunch. Stop laughing at rape jokes, stop taking it lightly and when you see it call out others on it.

 7. Stop giving your money to organizations that are misogynist- Stop renting movies like “American Pie” start putting your money where your mouth is and stop supporting industries that are harmful or send rotten messages about us.

 8. Stop buying us- Stop consuming women as though they were oatmeal. Stop believing that men have a ‘right’ to buy the use of a woman’s body for their sexual pleasure. Prostitution, strip clubs, pornography, all of these are excellent examples. Stop believing that because you have a dick, women, or a group of women should be available for you to buy. If you don’t believe that women should be available for purchase then you cannot support these industries.

 9. Stop believing that rape is rare- It’s NOT rare. It’s NOT a small occurrence being perpetrated by a select few individuals who are just ‘born that way’. Women, real live women who exist in this society, know that rape is NOT rare. Those of us who have studied these things know the official numbers and we know that the closer numbers can be closer to half of us. That’s NOT rare. That’s NOT one lone man running around violating up to half of the population of females. WE know this. It’s time for YOU to know it, internalize it, believe it and act accordingly as well.

 10. Stop fantasizing about hurting us- STOP thinking of triplexxxteens. Just fucking stop it. Children are NOT acceptable masturbatory fodder. Raping women is NOT acceptable masturbatory fodder. Stop excusing it; stop accusing those of us who fear you because you think that rape is hottt of being ‘thought police’. If your thoughts are dangerous then you need to look at that. You think it’s so fucking wonderful? Fine, how do you feel about someone masturbating to the thought of violently raping your mother, your girlfriend or your daughter? You lovin’ that thought? Then YOU need to stop it as well. No excuses, no bullshit. Just knock it off.

 

 Now, if you men out there believe that this is all part and parcel of male sexuality then I’m afraid that you’re a bigger ‘man hater’ than you accuse me of being. If you believe that raping, objectifying, staring, leering, bullying, minimizing and supporting female hating industries are ‘normal male sexuality’ then gosh, do I ever feel sorry for you. I, for one, do not believe that this is the ‘normal’ state of affairs for men and I believe that they can pull themselves out of the poisoned society in which we live to carve out a more egalitarian society from which women and men would benefit. 

 

 If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to visually assault, assess, grade, degrade and objectify each and every woman you see based upon your interpretation of her ‘fuckability’ then YOU are the one with the problem.

 If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to enjoy, feed off, be aroused by, or masturbate to women’s pain in ALL porn, then it is YOU who has the problem. 

If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to laugh at, joke about, bond over and find humorous the verbal assaults framed as ‘jokes’ on women, then it is YOU who has the problem.

 If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to talk into, nag, harass, scare, intimidate, pressure, coerce or otherwise ‘get’ sex from a woman when she says “No” then it is YOU who have the problem.

 If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to believe that women, or a class of women, should be available to you to buy and sell then it is YOU who have the problem.

 If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to believe that women are somehow inherently different, strange, from Venus, confusing or ‘othered’ from you then it is YOU who have the problem.

 If YOU believe that it is in the ‘male nature’ to masturbate to children, raping, bestiality etc and that this is perfectly normal, acceptable, desirable, harmless, and even good then it’s YOU who have the problem. 

Does this spell it out enough? Because, see, I’m getting exhausted with the whole, “BB you just hate male sexuality” gig. It’s old. It’s tiresome and it’s clearly not true. When male sexuality does not impinge upon my right to exist and be free from YOUR sexuality if I don’t want it then you’re fine. However, when YOUR sexuality impinges upon my right to not be fearful, to not be intimidated, to not be stared at like a creature in a zoo it becomes MY problem.

You want to be sexual? You want to have your prized ‘male sexuality’ that’s fine and fucking dandy but DON’T impinge upon the rights of me and my sisters to live an existence that is FREE from YOUR sexuality. Stop forcing it on us and stop thinking that it’s your RIGHT to force it on us. Your rights end where MINE begin and I have a right to be free of whatever form of sexuality you decide to engage in.

 MY sexuality is cemented, formed and pursued in such a way that I’m NOT impinging upon the rights of others. I didn’t spend my day at the zoo grading men or women on their perceived ability to turn me on. They are people FIRST. Fat, old, skinny, young, they are fucking PEOPLE and their existence in this life is not dependent upon whether they can make me hottt under the collar. 

 MY sexuality doesn’t require me to think about THEIR sexuality before anything else.

 MY sexuality dictates that THEIR sexuality means exactly jack fucking shit to me because it’s simply NOT important unless and until we decide to become intimate with one another. THEN their sexuality, their hotttness factor, and everything else that’s wrapped up into it is probably something I should think about.

 When you use others for the benefit of YOUR sexuality then you are impinging upon MY right to exist free from the effects of YOUR sexuality.

 MY sexuality is not based around any thought I have given to whether or not a person will do something, say something, wear something or engage in any activity that I perceive to be hottt. 

MY sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with attempting to get anything from an individual. From oral sex, to particular touching, to anything that I may or may not enjoy it is NOT my job to tell them anything or affect, influence or otherwise meld THEIR sexuality around MY sexuality.  

Sexuality is experienced it is not expected and MY sexuality tells me that influencing, asking, begging or otherwise affecting their sexuality is something I refuse to do. THEIR sexuality is akin to a flower. A flower just is it cannot, nor should it, be asked to be a different sort of flower. It cannot, or should not, be manipulated, controlled, or influenced by me despite what society has told me, and you, that flower shouldn’t be fucked with. I have no right to ask that flower to do something that doesn’t come naturally to that flower. Period. 

MY sexuality allows me to experience the sexuality of others with NO interference from me. No demands, No presuppositions, No judgements, No thought of what they can do FOR me. If the sexuality of me and my partner jive with one another WITHOUT my forcing a ‘jive’ then all is good. It is never, ever my place to turn an iris into a rose. Again, I repeat my sexuality is experienced not expected.

 Feel free to have YOUR sexuality, but don’t impinge upon the rights of me and my sisters to exist free from the effects of whatever the fuck you term as sexuality.

Period.

~ Biting Beaver

Published in: on April 19, 2008 at 12:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Introducing My Warrior

I got an email this morning from someone. It was an email talking about her repeated rape at the hands of a young man. This is not the first such letter I have received in my email and the feelings it evoked in me were neither uncommon, nor unique insofar as I have had them before. 



The pain from these women bleeds through in their words, the screams I hear when I read their stories resonates so deeply inside of me that I tremble with barely contained rage, fear and sadness.



I have received several such letters since starting this blog. And more confessions and stories and voices than I can separate in the clutter that is my mind. Each and every woman on this site has a story, chances are good that it is that story that brought them here in the first place. Now, those stories may not be alike in the details, not every woman has been raped, not every woman has been abused, but every one of them has found a thread of commonality in a radical voice. For whatever reason they have seen the cancer infecting this society, seen its ugly face and the barren wasteland and dead women it has left behind.



I cried this morning. I locked myself in my bedroom for a few moments and I cried. I cried the tears of sadness and rage that explode from my soul each and every time I read another story. I sobbed quietly beneath my covers, not wanting to upset my children who were busy reading their books for school. I cried the tears of the victim and survivor and I cried for yet another life destroyed, shattered by the force that is male pride and entitlement. 



As I read that email this morning, as I have done on other mornings when a commenter has been moved to write to me, I felt rage burning fresh in my blood. I felt sadness and a loss so deadly that it brings everything home to me. It reminds me, in violent waves, about the society in which we women are forced to live. A society in which half of the population hates us for no reason I can discern.



This has been a trying week for me. I’m working on Friday fun with Site meter and the searches that are there are terrifying in their honesty. “Beautiful girls being raped”, “Sluts being beaten and raped”, the searches march across my screen, a grim reality and testament to the world in which I live. It is a testament to the violence of men, the undiluted essence of hatred with which they view us.



And on this morning, there was another letter, another story, another scream from another woman who has joined the rank and file of the millions of survivors. Always, there is confusion in me when I see the proof of male violence and hatred towards women. Ever there is confusion, a sort of disjointed question that hangs thickly in the air, tainting my skin and forcing itself to be articulated.



”Why?” 



That is the scream that rips through me. It is the question that lies unanswered and unspoken. Why? 

Why? Why? Why? WHY???? Why do they do this to us? Why do they hate with such ferocity? Why do they spoil and silence these beautiful voices that are just waiting to be heard? Why do they contaminate and rip and tear and steal from women?



This is the word, the question that I asked myself as I cried this morning. This is the one thought that tore through me, demanding an answer, but I know that no answer will ever come. No answer can quiet that scream. When they say, “It’s because I wanted to”, it doesn’t make it stop. I want to say “WHY did you want to?”, “What did we do to you?”, “Why didn’t you care?”, “Why does our pain bring you such intense pleasure?” Why? Why? Why?



They cannot provide a suitable answer, they cannot quiet the “Why?” flitting in and out of the corners of my mind. They cannot provide the answer anymore than they can give that girl back her life, anymore than they can undo the damage they wreak. There is no easy answer; there is only the reality of the millions of screaming voices, the millions of voices that have been silenced.



People come to me and say that radical feminism cannot be taken seriously because the women in it are largely composed of survivors (although, they say ‘victims’). I say that it is because of this that radical feminism needs to be taken seriously. We are the proof of male violence, right here is the most honest and sincere proof you can find. It is because we are so largely comprised of so many survivors, and not just survivors of rape and molestation, but survivors of male pride and violence in all of it’s forms it takes, that we need to be taken seriously.



Everyone reading this has a story. Kaka Mak, Delphyne, Ginmar, Laura, Mink Stole, Kelly Bell

, and all the others (I know your names but I can’t list them all, they ring through my head even as I type and I know that the numbers are too large to list) all of you have a story, a need, a desire. Each and every one of you has experienced the proof of male entitlement and violence. No, chances are good that not every one of you has experienced rape or sexual assault, but ALL of you have seen the truth and ALL of you have been affected by the hatred that men show us. 



Occasionally, one of you reaches out to me, trying to make sense of it all and I, sadly, have no sense to give. I have no greater wisdom, no sage advice, no greater understanding of the unending question of “Why?” but there can be no doubt that your stories are just as real.



From the rage, to the sadness, to the helplessness and back to the rage, the stories are there. The violence, the entitlement, the ego, the aggression, all of us have felt it to some degree or another. From the woman who spends her entire day scrubbing toilets for minimum wage, to the women who have been harassed in the park or on the street all the way to the women who vowed to love a man only to find herself the recipient of his fists, down to the woman who went on that date with the ‘nice guy’ and ended her night being raped. All of you have stories and it is these stories and this deep seated, undying desire to make it stop that brings radicals together. 



The letter I got this morning affected me down to that primal part of my soul and I felt the desperation that so many of us have felt. The overwhelming sadness and helplessness of it all. It woke that sleeping warrior within me who first cried for the loss of yet another woman, who screamed and mourned and sobbed for the loss of yet another one of us. But now she is angry again. And her anger feeds my desire, it is her indignation at the masses of women left behind, sold out, forgotten and silenced that compels me to push forward, even when I stop for a moment to sob and regain my footing. She fills me with anger and rage and focused energy to try and accomplish the impossible. And only when the rapes, beatings, and cycle of male violence has stopped will she be sated. 

I stand in the face of these men who search for, “slut rape”, and “sexy girls being beaten and raped”.

I stand in the face of all the men that have stolen my sense of safety and security. I stand in your face Richard, and Scott and Kevin. I stand in the faces of Steven and Shawn and Brian. I stand in the faces of all the men who would take what I never offered and I stand in the face of the fucker who stole the innocence and youth from the girl who wrote me just today. 



I am your worst fucking nightmare. 



Here is my promise to you Mr. “Story-Snuff”. I will be your conscience if you refuse to have one. I will be the screams that you tried to silence. I am your worst nightmare, the walking skeleton of the dead bodies of the souls that you destroyed with your violence, with your entitlement and with your ego. I will not shut up until you have felt, tenfold, the pain that you have wreaked upon the women you have encountered. I, and others like me, will force your eyes open to the pain that you have caused and if I have one desire that burns through me with the fiercest passion I have ever known it is this: I want for you to never have another moment of peace in your lives. I want you to never sleep soundly again, I want the souls of these women to haunt you for all eternity, even into your next life and the lives beyond that.



I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor and I will continue to tell every person I meet of you and your kind. I will force-feed the pain of millions down your putrid mouth until you vomit it up, then, I will force it down again. 



You, all of you, every one of you that come to this blog looking for, “Sexy women being raped and beaten”, YOU are my mark and my crosshairs are firmly on you. You are the reason that we all have stories, you are the reason that every day more women, thousands more women, millions in the world, join the rank and file of the survivors and my voice is aimed at you.



I will not let you forget the screams until they have stopped. I am the ever present reminder of your fucked up entitlement and I will not be silenced until my ashes are thrown across the ground. My voice is small on its own, but it is a part of a sea of voices, a vast army of voices that is growing larger and stronger by the day. Each and every time you beat another woman, or rape another woman, or push your fucked up entitlement onto another woman, in whatever form it takes, you create another one of me. Do you hear that? You create another me. 



The numbers keep rising and when they rise up and the sobs turn to cries and the cries to screams and the warrior in us that YOU created and YOU awoke comes seeking her vengeance then you will know that it was YOU who created us. 



To my readers, I hear your voices, I believe your truths and you are not alone. Those of you who have felt male violence and who are scattered and afraid and unsure about yourselves take heart for there are millions of us in this world and those who have found our anger and our rage will speak until you feel able to do so. There are millions of hands extended to you, keep talking, keep speaking, your voice is powerful and your stories are truth. Don’t stop writing to me, and don’t stop talking, your voice is perhaps your most valuable weapon and your truth is an inspiration. 


~ Biting Beaver

Published in: on April 19, 2008 at 12:28 pm  Leave a Comment  
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